Holly Golightly:You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak:The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly:No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Holly Golightly:Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!
Sunday night blues. And I don't even have a big girl job to worry about.
Hello there. Frankly, I’m a little tired of the whole “Oh, hey! It’s been a while.”, so let’s skip that whole thing. Here’s what we haven’t discussed:
1. I’m officially a Los Angelino (is that right?). The apartment is beautiful and I’ve learned that I’m basically a budget-minded Nate Berkus (maybe that’s point 1.5).
2. I am currently unemployed (although I currently have some leads).
3. After 9 months of working towards getting a freelance commercial agent, I am agent-less. That’s what happens when you decide to move cross-country, I suppose.
4. My daily existence no longer involves seeing my parents or the notorious fuzzy baby :( (That’s so sad it deserved the dreaded emoticon)
5. I live with a boy. Yes, I am cohabiting with MS. If only the old, 23 year old Ashley could’ve seen me now. I think she’d be proud… and confused.
6. I have a car! My very first, leased on my own credit car! It’s awesome!
Now, while none of these are bad (Except #4. #4 makes me really sad. Again, note the emoticon), and are actually quite exciting, I guess this is why I haven’t updated in so long. I’ve learned a couple of essential things about myself through all of this though. Let’s take a look, shall we?
1. I have major anxiety. A couple of real-deal panic attacks and some Xanex’s later, I’ve discovered this.
2. I am actually, and incredibly surprisingly, stronger than I had every previously thought. There have been a number of times through all of the moving prep that I didn’t even think I’d be able to leave my family. I’ve done it. Maybe I haven’t done it totally on my own, and I have MS as a crutch in a way, but I’m here, and I’m working on it, and I didn’t let the fear stop me.
3. I have decent enough credit to lease my own car!!!
So that’s all. My anxiety-ridden self has spent 2 days writing this damn blog entry, for God sake. I’ll update again this week with any progress.
Oh hey. Fancy meeting you here. Ready for a quick month in review? Ooooookay…. GO!
The play went off pretty much without a hitch. I made all of my money back and I even made a teeny profit and paid my people what was made. L.A. is definitely happening and it looks like it’ll be happening in July. It’s been decided that MS is coming with (which I guess now makes any past reference of him in the blog slightly more significant).
That was quick, huh?
I’m heading to L.A. tomorrow morning to find our new little place. Once again I’m learning ANOTHER lesson in letting go of control and chilling out. I’ll be there looking at neighborhoods, etc. and considering that the last time I had to find a place was my senior year of college, I’m a little nervous— no credit (really) and no real rental history.
Anyway, I’m sure it will be fine and it’s only a year in place. I want to walk in some charming little garden apartment, feel that “aaahhhh” feeling, apply and call it ours. It can’t be that hard… right?
Yesterday marked my 1 year anniversary of quiting TV Production and really pursuing my acting career. Within the last week I met a person who may be very influential in future steps, and SAG and AFTRA merged to become a super union! Although the year seemed slow moving and barely progressive while I was going through it, when I look back on it, it proved to be pretty great! I had my mute but large part on "Unforgettable", was a core Russian Waitress on “Are We There Yet”, got to the final round of a documentary casting, started working freelance with a commercial agent, and began the process of producing a play.
All in all I’d say it was a productive year!
Although I’ve gotten decently far within a year here in NY, I’ve felt stifled and held back. Maybe that’s luck, maybe it’s as far as I can get in my career, or maybe it’s just not the right time, but I’ve decided to move to LA in June to see what else I can accomplish. Although EVERYTHING I love is here (my parents, my friends, New York City and Bella) I can’t just do this halfway. I left my old life to accomplish as much as I could. Therefore, I present to you what I shall call the “LA Chronicles”, to document it.
It’s been a great year. Stay tuned for more to come! xo
Well, the play is progressing BEAUTIFULLY. Great director, great cast, great crew, but WE STILL DON’T HAVE THE RIGHTS. For all of those who are considering producing a play, let me give you a warning: The play publisher needs to know what theater you are putting your show on at, and the theater needs money in order to reserve the space. These two things rely on one another!! Knowing this, I knew I couldn’t submit for the rights, and I was too scared to put down money, so 2 months before the play was going up I said a big, “fuck it” and did both. So now, I’ve invested money, and time, and so has everyone else, but we don’t have the rights. I feel like it will work out, but there’s no guarantee and it scares me a little.
So, to you aspiring producers, what is the lesson here? I’m not sure actually. I don’t know what would have been a better way to do this, but what can you do? I guess do it even more in advance…?
Well, back to memorizing lines (btw, I’m totally off book, just fine tuning!), and perfecting this play that will (it’d better) go on.
It is stressing me out to no end. For those of you who don’t know what being off book is, it means I need to have all my lines memorized for the whole play. 3 characters+ 80 something pages of lines= a shit ton of lines.
“Only hang around people that are positive and make you feel good. Anybody who doesn’t make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life the better. The minute anybody makes you feel weird and non-included or not supported, you know, either beat it or tell them to beat it.”—Amy Poehler (via phillyshenanigans)
Oh! Well, hello there! I almost didn't see you. It's been a while, hasn't it?
I’m not sure if it’s the lack of any work, or the sheer repetitivity of my life as of late, but I just haven’t been in the mood to visit. Plus Pinetrest has kind of replaced my late-night zombie internet reading. But absence has made my heart grow fonder and I actually have things to report on again! YAY!
I briefly mentioned looking into producing a play before, but the ball is actually rolling now! I’ve put a deposit on the theater (Theater 54 @ Shetler), for a specific week (April 23-29), to perform a specific show (“Pizza Man” by Darlene Craviotto), and even have a director and held auditions today!!! So far it’s an absurd amount of work but I feel good, and happy, and engaged, which I haven’t felt in so long.
Unfortunately, getting the rights to perform a show is a bit of a long process (2-4 weeks) and because the application calls for a theater address, and I didn’t have one a week ago, we’ll just have to proceed as if it’s going to happen and hope for the best.
The best news of all is that since devoting myself to the this whole play (really because I’m not getting the work, so it’s time to make the work) I’ve heard from my agent! Remember him? The Commercial Agent I was so stressed about getting? Well, I got him a couple of months ago and never heard from him. But he called me a couple of weeks ago to see if I was available to stand-in for a commercial (didn’t get it), and yesterday to come in for a NY Lotto commercial this afternoon (stay posted). So I guess the old adage, “when it rains it pours” is true? Or maybe it’s “do what you love and the money will follow”? Either way, I want to keep it coming.
I have my first read thru for “Pizza Man” on Friday, and I can’t wait. I plan on keeping PP&W updated with play progress, as it’s acting related work, I’m totally loving it, and it’s my first time putting on a show of my own.
-Got a commercial agent. Hasn’t gotten me any auditions yet… but then again it’s only been a week and a half.
-Tired of being an actor who hasn’t acted in anything for a while so I’m in the process of producing a show. I have never done this before but I am incredibly excited and going to look at venues today!
-I feel that although acting has been slow for me since the new year, I’ve been very proactive and productive (case and point, putting on my own show).
If all of Nicolas Cage’s ex-girlfriends could collaborate on a memoir about what it is like to date Nic, I would be very happy. (It can be anonymous like The Help, ladies! Come forward and tell your stories! Bye!)
“Taran is not only funny, but he’s a great actor. A good example, I think, is how he kind of recalibrated his Brad Pitt impression for that ‘Moneyball’ short we did with Ben Stiller. He’s behaving like Brad Pitt; he’s not going for a joke. It was really impressive.”
Bill Hader speaking to Mike Ryan about Taran Killam
Mike Ryan of Moviefone has penned a great article in which he proclaimsTaran Killam to be the future of SNL. The only issue I have with this piece is that Ryan kind of writes off Vanessa Bayer a little bit when I think Bayer is on a par with Killam. Nonetheless, you should read the article for yourself here.
I’m glad someone feels the way I do about Taran. Except I think my clear indicator was the Tebow sketch.
“I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.”—Neil Gaiman (via mermaidsongs)
Well, New Year’s Eve and the Holiday Season came and went in the blink of an eye. Aside from the usual merriment of it all, it was so nice to essentially have a month off with the excuse that shows weren’t really in production. For the New Year, MS rented us a nice cabin in the woods where the the fuzzy baby and some friends came up and hung out for the week. Always being “prepared” to work I brought my laptop— I knew I could potentially submit, do some much needed updates to this blog, and send my beloved Ophelia my New Year’s Resolution as we do ever year. Guess how much of that I accomplished? Yup. None.
It wasn’t until my last night at the cabin, after everyone had left, and the panic of leaving my lovely fake-for-the-week life had set in that I even noticed that something had kept me from doing all of the things I had wanted to do for my career while away. At that point I was a goner, suffering from a big bad case of “The Sundays”, or “The Mean Red’s” as it’s called in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”— that terribly uncontrollable fear that kind of comes out of nowhere and you’re not even sure what you’re scared of. I used to have this feeling every Sunday night as a little girl when I was scared to go to school the next day. And just like when I was little, it came with tears and panic. Once I could finally wrap my brain around the overwhelming fear I had of coming home, facing life, and knowing that I am the only single force driving my career or giving a damn about my own success, and that my daily battle of submitting for work, cold calling agents, etc. would return, I knew it was time to complete my list of resolutions. Without any further delay, here they are:
1. Work through or past every paralyzing fear I have. Whether I need to talk to someone about it, take baby steps, or just breath through it, I don’t want my fears to stop me from doing anything ever again.
2. Sit with the bad feelings. Men, or those incapable of showing emotion are INCREDIBLY good at this. Instead of letting the feelings get ahold of them, they get things in check and get control of themselves. No one wants a crazy emotional mess trolling through the streets ready to unload on them.
3. Trust my first instincts more. I’m just going to say it, I’m fucking great at reading people. Too many times I give people the benefit of the doubt and it bites me in the ass.
4. Have no body fat. (Had to throw in a superficial one in there)
5. Do what I need to do. I don’t want to let my guilt or fear of upsetting others drive me to do things. Not every one thinks what you’re doing is the right thing, but it’s my life. It’s time to stop being scared.
2011 was the single most important year of my life. The year I changed MY life. The year that I stopped letting my fear of failure and rejection completely dictate what I do. It was the year that I took control of life by letting go of (ironically) all control and structure. It has also been a year of tremendous change in my relationship with my family for the better. If life is about constantly striving for more and better I certainly have a long one ahead of me.
I have been working since last Thursday at either the bar or way better, Are We There Yet. Had a super awesome meeting yesterday with a pretty big deal agent too. He told me I need to freelance with an agent before he can sign me because I just don’t have enough on my resume yet but he wants me to check back and follow up. I can dig it!
Trying to climb out of bed now to open the bar after getting home at 2:30am, however tonight is not only really Friday but my Friday too, and I will be doing the only Holiday celebrating I’ve done this far. Can’t wait for some Jackie Beat!